Ship at the Airport

I wrote this piece of writing to show the power of love. How it is such a strong force, and creates such a strong connection between two people. I wrote this to show the concept that when that connection is strong everything feels right in the world, but when it is broken it can feel the complete opposite. Love can fill us with warmth and joy but it can also fill us with regret and sorrow.

‘Ship at the Airport’ tells a story about a girl falling in love with her best friend. It shows her experiencing the downsides of falling in love with your best friend and realising how she will just have to push through that big grey cloud that has formed above her because that is all that she can do now.

Once you fall in love with a best friend there is no going back to best friends and this piece of writing shows the difficulty of that situation.

‘Ship at the Airport’ starts with them ‘hanging out’ one night, a night that quickly turns from friendly talking to cuddling due to an mixed array of romantic feelings between the two individuals.

Do you ever get that feeling where you feel just complete? Like you literally can not think of one thing in your life that you would change. That’s how I felt that night. I was wrapped up in his arms, my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat. Every time I moved closer the faster it went. I was so glad that I had gotten him back.

I listened to his shaky breaths. He was obviously as nervous to be close to me as I was to be close to him. It was a good kind of nervous though. The kind of nervous that you get before going to a school ball, putting your gown on and looking in the mirror.

He ran his fingers through my hair, slowly and delicately. I lifted my head up and smiled at him.

“I don’t think I have ever been this happy before.” I whispered.

“Really?” He gently whispered back to me; he stopped playing with my hair.

“This moment is perfect, for once there are no thoughts on my mind, nothing. I’m completely here, here in the present, not wanting anything else but this. I honestly cannot think of one bad thing in my life right now.”

“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that.” He rolled over so that we were facing each other.

My heart went mental. He cradled my cheek with his soft hand.

I couldn’t believe it was happening, after everything we had been through. He was my best friend. The only person that could make me smile consistently. Pick me up no matter what mood I was in. The things he helped me through the year before would have been way out of anyone else’s league but he stayed by my side all of the way. He loved me.

He loved me, and I knew but I didn’t do anything about it even though I felt the same way.

I was scared. He was the only person I knew I would not be able to lose. I didn’t know how I would be able to cope if I did.

The thing with relationships is that usually when two people fall out of them, they never seem to talk to each other ever again. They become strangers. The thought of that happening to me and him terrified me.

His face moved closer until I could feel the warmth of his shaky breaths.

His face moved closer until I could see his sea green eyes in the dimly lit room we were in.

As his eyelids shut so did mine. His warm lips softly brushed against mine sending sparks throughout my body.

The thing is though that it did happen. For the past three months before that week I had been alone.

Three whole months without one word was torture.

Hearing rumours that he did not like me as a person, that I had done something but nobody would tell me what. That feeling knowing that he thought I was a bad person made me hate myself.

He was the one that had always been there to make me happy, but at that moment it felt like my world was caving in around me. I tried literally everything to try and make myself happy. To have a life without him, but it always felt like there was something missing and there was a gaping hole in my chest.

Monday morning he started talking to me again, and of course I took him in straight away.

“I think I love you.” I whispered, my whole body trembled. A dreadful silence stretched for what felt like eternity. “I think I have loved you for a while now.”

“What?” He finally replied, I could sense him hiding the anger that was trying to escape.

“When you stopped talking to me…”

He cut me off. “I stopped talking to you so I would get over you, and now I am.”

My heart dropped. He had just kissed me. Had it meant nothing to him? Jagged daggers replaced the butterflies in my stomach, dozens of them stabbing my insides.

He was staring at me, his once sea green eyes now seeming like the green soldiers wear at war. Soldiers in green reloading bullets into their guns. His eyes shoot bullets into me.

Whatever I was to say then would make him angrier, so I thought I might as well just tell him the truth.

“When you stopped talking to me I was confused. I had no idea why you had just thrown me out of your life all of a sudden. I had no idea why you built a concrete wall between us. Every night I thought back on everything I had ever done that could have upset you. I thought about everything you had ever done good for me. I was trying to think of the flaws in our friendship but I ended up stumbling on the things that have just stuck in the back of my mind.” I took a deep breath and found the courage to continue, if I did not get my thoughts out there and then I don’t think I  would ever be able to.

“Do you remember that night when I was sick? You came around with grocery bags full of food, orange juice and The Lion King? You hanged out in bed with me and put the movie on. We reminisced about our childhoods and the things we missed. Sang along to every song in the movie. My mum came into the room and told you that she loved when you came over, because I was always laughing. When you had to go I walked you outside and you picked me up in a hug and twirled me around. Memories like that came back to me. I was confused why I missed you so much, and I felt it impossible to get on with my life the same way as I had before. I realised that that whole time I was inlove with you,” I swallowed, “You have no idea how much I regret not saying anything, especially knowing that you loved me too. I was too scared I would lose you… but that is exactly what happened, now I am going to lose you again.”

Tears begged to be let loose.

I couldn’t bare to see his reaction so I looked down at the dull grey of his bed covers.

“This is bullshit!” He was steaming. His eyes were ice cold now.

The small amount of respect that he had left in them when he had looked at me before had gone now.

I had never been in that much emotional pain.

“You have no idea how much I went through trying to get over you.” He said coldly. He was shaking. Shaking, but in a different way than before. It hurt me so much to see him like that.

It hurt to have him look at me like that. I was on the edge of breaking.

“I have to go.” I said as emotionless as I possibly could, I didn’t want him to realise how torn I really was. I didn’t want to seem weak.

“Go then.” More daggers were in my stomach. Stabbing me endlessly.

I picked my jacket up off his cold wooden floor, grabbed my bag off his bed and dashed out of his room before the screams could dash out of me.

I ran. I ran down the dark roads. Ran until I physically couldn’t anymore.

I had no idea where I was, it was too dark to tell.

As if on cue the sky erupted, spilling gallons of icy water.

That was when the sobs began. They started slow.

The hole was reappearing. I could no longer breathe. I was drowning. Everything was seeping out of me until I was no more. My throat ached.

This was pathetic. I was pathetic. Why was I letting a connection to another person break me down. The only person I actually needed in my life was myself.

My grief then turned to anger. My anger turned into strength.

I picked myself off the cold dew covered grass. My thoughts took a completely different turn.

I was too strong to let this defeat me. I would beat this. I would trick myself into thinking he was irrelevant until that became the reality. There was no point getting down about this.

Loving someone who doesn’t love you is like waiting for a ship at the airport.  Pointless.

I knew it would be difficult to find myself again, to find life enjoyable and to fill in that hole.

I also knew that doing that was possible.

That was simply the reality, there was nothing else I could do but power through it and from there on that is exactly what I would do.

It’s happening guys

image

This time. Shit is happening. I should probably set some goals.
This is going to happen.
-healthy eating/fitness
-homework done
-time management
-socialable
-not lazy
-get $$$
I am going to track my progress towards these goals on here. By the time I get back to school I am going to be a new person!

image

Okay. I’m just going to be honest here. I feel as though I just can’t handle being single anymore!!! I’m obsessing over gossip girl at the moment and I shouldn’t be like this but I really want someone. I really want someone that likes me for me and treats me well. I am so fucking lonely. I feel as though having someone would make me feel so much better. But I dony just want anyone. I guess I would rather wait than just go for someone because I want someone. God this is hard. There’s always Atawhai but I really don’t know. I just don’t feel physically attracted to him, that sounds so incredibly shallow but I am human I guess, and if I dont, well I dont.

Thursday 18 June

Omgggg had rugby training and my body is literally dieing. Excersise feels so good though. I should probably do it more often… go for more bike rides :/ haha… today was goood! Had a chemistry exam first period but I think it went pretty well! Really really wishing for an excellence though. Like you have no idea. It’s 4 credits so if I get excellence that will honestly be so freaking good. I might actually be able to get endorseeed woooooo

Thoughts

Is it really bad that Im kimd of in the stage were I dont want a boyfriend… or a person to have a thing with… I kinda just want heaps of close girl mates that will go out and drink with me and kiss hot strangers? That is the life I am craving so bad right now. But saying that, falling inlove with someone that treated me well, and kept treating me well would be good too.

Nightmare – Creative Writing

Had to write a story in English for our creative writing assessment based on the Holocaust. This is pretty much what I came up with! Really not sure how good it is but thought it could be a cool sorta thing to post on here! I’d love it so much for yall to read it and comment what you think… what I should change? Would mean a lot to me. 🙂  

“Adaline! Get ready now! School starts soon! Hadassa is waiting for you!”

I lie curled up in a ball of fluffy blankets and pillows. Why do we even have to go to school. I think I have decided. I want to be home schooled, Hadassa can come too we can both get jobs and pay for our school books and just lounge around in my bedroom all day, no early starts. I can’t handle this, I may be awake but my body does not want to move. I’m so warm, why must this be disrupted. Why does life have to be this way. UGH!

“ADALINE. NOW!”

Okay here goes. Don’t want Mum to get more mad do we. She must be in a good mood for when I propose this home school idea to her. I have a good feeling about this. We may have the slightest chance!

Mum busts her way into my room with a roar, her footsteps on the wooden floors mimicking the sound of a stampede of elephants. She tears my fluffy, warm layer of happiness away from me.

It is merely September. Autumn time. But damn it is quite chilly. I might as well be in the middle of the arctic. Chilling with the polar bears. Literally CHILLING. Why mother, how could you do this.

“Mpppphnnmm, I’m getting up… tell Assa I’ll be ready in five…” My mum lets go of an angry sigh and storms out of my room, why must she be so loud. Walking is merely a humble act of transport. Most people release their emotions through writing in a journal… painting… playing an angry song on the Piano. But no. My Mum opts into crashing and bashing and creating a racket just by transporting herself across the room in a huff.

I plant my feet on the ground and sit up on my bed. Cold, cold, cold, cold. Even my toes are shivering now. I wipe the sleepy blurriness from my eyes and awaken my senses to the world.

I prop open the huge wooden doors of my wardrobe and venture into it to find myself a cute outfit to wear today. In the end I choose a navy blue dress and a tan trench coat. I walk down the hallway to the bathroom and splash my face with water. I look up into the mirror. I like the way I look. A typical german girl. Blonde hair and big blue eyes, like my mother and father.

“Boo!” Hadassa pokes me in the ribs giving me the biggest fright of my life, I almost jump through the ceiling. She has the biggest smile, and her dark brown eyes are shining, her hair a calm dark brown. Hadassa a.k.a Assa is my best friend. We’ve been best friends since 1934 for 5 years now since her family moved into their apartment next door to me in Dusseldorf, Germany. We spend every minute with each other, before she came I felt like I never really had many friends. Like I mean I had a loose group of friends, I wasn’t an outsider, but I just never felt like I could ever really trust them or just connect with them you know? Since Assa moved next door my life has become so much less lonely and so much more bearable.

“Why do you always do this to me! I almost had a heart attack girl!” I complain jokingly to Assa. She laughs at me and grabs my arm and drags me out of the door.

“Don’t forget your school bag Adaline!” Wow. I am an idiot. Did I really just almost walk out the door without my school bag.

“Oh sorry that was probably my fault! But hurry up we are going to be late retard!” Adaline yells down the hallway as I run back to my room to grab my bag.

“Thanks man.” I sarcastically yell back. Gotta love being called retarded. Always my favourite. I find some old coins stashed on top of the book that lies on my bedside table, grab them, stuff them in my leather bag along with my school books and run back to the door were Assa is waiting for me.

“Okay.”

“You sorted?” She questions me, looking me up and down with a slight smirk.

“Shut up, let’s go! I haven’t got time for breakfast, I’ll buy something to eat on the way to school.” I explain.

“Have a good day girls!” Mum calls out from the lounge chair over her knitting needles.

“Bye Mrs Schubert!” Assa calls back with a chuckle.

“Bye Mum!” I call back, “Have a good day too, love you!”

We’re walking down Volmerswerther St, five minutes away from school now. I look up and check the time on the town clock.

“There is at least twenty minutes until school starts! We have heaps of time.” I explain slowing my walk down, “I’d rather not wait out front of the school in the freezing cold making small talk with people I don’t genuinely like…”

“You are so negative! Our school’s not all bad. Just be glad we don’t live in the ghetto.”

“I guess so.” I look hopeful, maybe things aren’t as bad as they could be. I wonder what it would be like living in a family that had no money, that could barely afford to pay the rent or buy food for themselves.

We rush into the warmth of the bakery. The amazing smell of freshly baked bread drifts it’s way up my nose. My stomach reacts to the smell violently. Okay stomach calm down. I look into the glass cabinet filled with cakes and slices, cream donuts and… anything and everything.

Mrs Rothschild comes through into the customer part of the cafe carrying the beautiful freshly baked bread I can smell. Oh god, I actually think my mouth is watering.

“Hello lovely ladies, how are you on this fine morning?” She booms happily, I swear Mrs Rothschild is the happiest woman I have ever met. She’s distantly related to Hadassa. Part of their beautiful Jewish family, but Mrs Rothschild grew up here. She knows pretty much every citizen in Dusseldorf because nobody can resist the food from her bakery. You can smell it’s gloriousness from a mile away. You have not lived if you have not tried her Buckwheat bread. So good.

“Good! How are you?” We chorus in unison, then glare at each other slightly creeped out that we both just said exactly the same thing at exactly the same time. Mrs Rothschild laughs joyfully her smile brightening more as every second passes, I can feel my insides going all soft and fluffy just in her presence. Maybe that is how she makes such good bread.

“Quite delightful as usual. I’m trying out a new recipe for my cheesecake! I’m pretty excited about it! The old one was just so… bland. Like it just was too… usual. Ordinary. I’m trying something different! You two can taste test some of my first batch for me!” She rushes into the kitchen and comes back with two paper bags and hands them to each of us, “Shhh, don’t tell anyone!” she leans in and whispers cheekily.

We both reach out grab the bags quicker than anything.

“Thankyou so much Mrs Rothschild.” I thank her, I feel myself blushing as she waves my thanks away humbly.

“No no, it’s my pleasure! I couldn’t taste test them all by myself! Now what did you sweet little darlings come here to get?”

“Could I please have a raspberry slice?” Hadassa asks politely.

“I hope you’re not having that for breakfast dear!” Mrs Rothschild says worryingly while taking the slice out of the cabinet and putting it into a paper bag for her. “Make sure you don’t eat it all at once!”

“Oh no no, it’s for my sister, she loves these.” Assa hands Mrs Rothschild a few coins and she beams, Mrs Rothschild beams back handing her the paper bag. “Thankyou!” Hadassa thanks her.

“No, thank you!” There is no winning with Mrs Rothschild. “How about you beautiful? Still deciding?” I can’t make my mind up. How much I want a cherry danish right now. But no. It’s breakfast, I need something more substantial… but mmm cherry danish so good! Think. Hurry up Adaline!

“Sorta! So many amazing choices!” I look up at her.

“Take your time.”

“Two cherry danishes please…” Mrs Rothschild laughs and picks up the cake slice and slides it under a danish that is in the glass cabinet.

“And yes… it’s for my breakfast…” Mrs Rothschild doesn’t look shocked, she’s used to me by now. She shakes her head with a smile and warns, “Don’t be late for school girls!”

When school is over I wait out the front of the school for Hadassa so we can walk home together. I spot her. I watch her walk across the concrete courtyard. Three girls come running up behind her and start pulling her hair. What the heck? I take flight, my feet drumming on the concrete my school bag bouncing up and down on my back as I run over to stop them.

“RAT!” Odelle spits in her face brutally. What makes her think she can do that. What has Hadassa done to them? I grip my hands onto her school bag and try to heave her away, but I am so delicate. Odelle is much stronger and bigger built than me and she shakes me off her in one movement. “Stay out of it Adaline. Why do you involve yourself with an ANIMAL. VERMIN.”

Walda waves a local newspaper Assa’s face. “It is YOUR fault my parents don’t have jobs!”

“Taking all of our money. It’s not even your country! You think you’re better than us huh?!”

Where is this coming from?! I look at my grazed arms and then up at Hadassa. What am I doing sitting here on the ground terrified. The three german girls continue to push her around and call her names. Hadu pipes up and pushes her onto the concrete and steps on Hadassa’s bare hands, no empathy in her sights. Hadassa screams. Her brother Abe is waiting out of the front of the school for his girlfriend, he spins his head round at the sound of the scream. I watch as his eyes bulge once he notices that it is his little sister that is on the ground, the owner of those screams. He starts to run over I hold my hand out and he pulls me to my feet, we both stand in front of Hadassa so that the girls are forced to take a few steps back.

“Don’t you dare come NEAR me. I dont want your RAT diseases.” Odele yells at Abe her face turned into a disgusted scowl. “You make me want to puke! If you lie a hand on me I will get my brother to beat you up. Stat.”

“ADALINE!” My mother yells through a car window. A man is driving the car but I have no idea who he is. My mother gets out of the car and runs through the crowd that has formed around us out the front of the school. She grabs me, her arm around my waist and drags me off back to the car. What is happening? My mother is never like this. Her arm is hurting me. I don’t want to leave Hadassa and Abe in this situation. What is she doing.

“MOTHER. LET ME GO.” I scream. I crane my neck to look behind me back to Hadassa. This sort of thing never happens in my town. Abe has her in his arms now, protecting her from the girls. Trying to pull her away. They will be okay. Mum pulls open the back door of this unknown car and pushes me into the backseat.

“Mum that hurt!” I complain as she shuts the door in my face.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’ll explain later.”

The car roars to a start and I peer out of the window wide eyed back to where the girls were. The girls are trudging off now, down the footpath that leads to the poorer side of town. Hadassa is crying. She’s in Abe’s arms still, he holds her as they walk off in the other direction to the girls, the direction that I would usually be walking with Hadassa. Abe’s girlfriend is nowhere in sight. She is loosely related to me. She’s a Moller. Her mother is married to my uncle.

The car rushes down the hill, bashing me into its sides like it has just eaten me for lunch. Who is this man? I’m terrified. I make what seems like the smartest decision and stay quiet as I watch the city buildings rush by next to me.

Before I know it we are back at our apartment block again. I open the door and jump out of the car, keen to get away from this stranger. “Adaline Schubert! Young lady. Don’t you dare be so rude!” Mother shrieks in my direction, “Come back here at once!” She turns to the man, “Sorry she’s usually not like this, I guess she is just a bit startled that is all.” I know that voice. That is the voice my mother uses when working to one of my father’s work colleagues. I slam the front door and run into my room like a child. I sit on my bed and rethink everything that has happened in the past half an hour. It all happened in such a rush. Why would those girls torment her? I can’t think of any logical reason why? Hadassa is not the kind of girl to stir trouble or create conflict in any way with the other girls in our school. Hadu, Walda and Odette have never been my favourite people. But never would I imagine they would go this far with someone for no apparent reason? Madness. Bullying. Injustice.

An hour later I hear the door creak open and Mum’s careful footsteps. Quite a contrast to this morning. I think she feels bad pushing me into the car. Never, would she usually do that to me ever. She is not the kind of person to push others around. Like yeah. Maybe she did rip the bed covers off me this morning but that was for my own good you know? If it wasn’t for her doing that I most likely would have been very late for school… and Hadassa would have walked to school without me.

“Adaline? Are you alright…?” She prys open my bedroom door, the same way she does to check that I am asleep and not staying up reading by candlelight. I look up at her. I give her a fake smile. Of course I’m not alright I just watched my best friend get bullied with no defense from me at all.

“Why did you pull me away? Who’s car was that? Didn’t you see Hadassa being pushed around?” My mind is exploding with questions. My mother shows no emotion. She is wearing a poker face. A poker face that I only ever see her wear when she has bad news.

“Hadassa and her family will be moving away tomorrow. They are no longer allowed here. I know this may seem unfair but that is the way it is, you will just have to learn to accept it.” She says calmly, “I do not want you talking to any of the other Jewish citizens that are still in our city.”

My heart drops. What does she mean? The jewish are no different to us. What does she mean Hadassa’s family is no longer allowed here? What does she mean they are moving away? Were? What is happening? I think of poor Mrs Rothschild that gave me free cheesecake this morning, the lady with the biggest heart in the world and the rest of the Jewish citizens in our city. One second everything is completely normal and the next everything has turned upside down. What is going to happen tomorrow? Am I meant to just act like everything is normal? It doesn’t feel real. It feels like I’m in a nightmare, yet a really realistic nightmare, and I don’t feel like I will be waking up from it anytime soon.